My name is Ronnie D.

Fear Is When End Of The World Might Come

In honor of the spooky season, I have found yet another wonderful article that I had to edit at one of my former jobs. 

Although I’m pretty positive that this particular article killed at least 27% of my brain cells, I have to be appreciative of the fact that the writer - who was paid $5 for this content, by the way - was responsible enough to cite their references at the end, making the fact checking part of the process a total breeze.

It arrived on my desk exactly as it’s presented here (capitalization, spacing, spelling, psychosis, etc.), so as you can see, it still haunts me to this very day; may it also haunt you as your head out for your Halloween weekend festivities.

But be careful - you may want to read it with all the lights on, or you may be too frightened to ever leave your desk again…

Fear Is One Of Peoples Things You Have. It Comes From Ghost From Homes. Business, Moves, Different Place’s Were Spirits Make You Fear Of Them. Spirits Makes Noise To Let You Know That They Are There. Spirits Tell You Get Out. They Don’t Want You There. They Make You Be Fearful Of Them. There Some? That Wants You To Know That They Want Help. But Fear Is So Many Ways Of Looking At It. When Person Comes Up And Puts Things In Your Mind.  That Is Fear That Sets In Your Mind. The Fear Of Going Into  House That Could Be Hunted.  Spirit That Puts Fear Into Your Mind. Fear Scares You. Being Fearful Of Being In Acting Play. Fear Of   Losing Things. Fear Of Hurting Your Self. Fear Of The Unknown. Fear Of What To Know About. Fear Of Doing Something That You Don’t Want To Do. Fear Of Doing Something That Will Fall Flat On You. Fear Of Just Being Fear Of Anything. Fear Of Being Target Of Some One That Don’t Like      You.   Fear Of Being Around People That Don’t Like You. Fear Of Dieing.    Fear Of Getting In Trouble For What Every You Did. Fear Of Making Few Steps Ahead. Fear Of Meeting People. Fear Of Being Tested For Different       Things. People Fears Of All Things In Life. People Fears Of War.  Fear Of Everything All Around Us. Fear Is All What You Make Of It In Life. Fear Is When End Of The World Might Come.

References: fear

Oral Sex Is by the Mouths

Interviewer: Well Miss D, it looks like you have a pretty substantial academic background in linguistics as well as quite a few years editing experience.

Ronnie D: Yeah.

Interviewer: OK, well perhaps you could expand on that a little bit for me…

Ronnie D: Sure. Right after defending my thesis, I went to work for a website company that I’m pretty sure was a front for some sort of crime syndicate, but it was the only job I could find. They paid me $8 an hour, which was $4 less an hour than the editors without degrees in my department. I’d consistently get hollered at when grabbing a soda from the vending machine on the sales side and was consistently mocked in a “girl-voice” by the owner of the company whenever I asked a question. I had to edit like 50 articles an hour about various topics. The articles were written by our clients, and they would get paid $5 per article they turned in. It was my job to make the articles ready for online publication by polishing up the language and making sure the appropriate message was conveyed.

Interviewer: That sounds interesting. Would you happen to have an example of some of the work you did there?

Ronnie D: Why of course! I happen to have an example of a typical article that I had to edit right here in my professional portfolio:

Oral sex is one thing that all parents should do to their kids before they go out and have sex with someone. It doesn’t matter if you are straight or gay you should learn what sex will bring next.

There is always tongue and mouth along with licking each other all over to have sex with someone you love. If you are ready to be a parent sex will lead to pregnancy. Most people aren’t ready to have kids as they are kids themselves.

However most teens will do it just to improve themselves. They want to improve to their parents and friends. They will take someone and have sex with them and then go out to tell their friends.

You shouldn’t hide who you are in love with. If you love someone that is the same sex as you so you still can have sex with that person. You have the freedom to express your feelings. Lick the person you love all over them. Oral sex is something that anyone can do and be an adult to handle life that is ahead of them.

Oral sex is by the mouths. One thing is that you really shouldn’t be sexually involved with anyone when you have a friend that is with you. It is rude. Oral sex is something that you should do in a private room or in your house or anapartment of your choice. Live freely and do what you want.

Interviewer: Uhhhh, unfortunately, this isn’t really the type of experience we’re looking for here.

Ronnie D: Would it help if I told you the article was really supposed to be about tennis star Anna Kournikova, and I edited it appropriately?

Interviewer: No, not really.

Ronnie D: Hmmm, I didn’t think so…

Interviewer: Well, I can’t offer you a job, but would you like $5 to buy yourself a drink?

Ronnie D: Most definitely.

Interviewer: Thank you for your time, and best of luck to you.

Ronnie D: Could I maybe have just a few dollars more?

Interviewer: No, Miss D, I’m sorry.

Ronnie D: Oh, OK. Well thanks anyways. 

….

Interviewer: Miss D, you’re going to have to leave the building before I call security.

Ronnie D: I’m sorry. I totally thought I left already - I must have just zoned out or something… are you sure you guys don’t need anyone to clean your toilets or anything? That’s also on my resume.

Interviewer: Security!!

Ronnie D. at the Office

The following is an exchange I had at work with someone who sits in the cubicle next to me. It was in regard to a “joke” I made in an email. 

Not Me: I’m confused. What does this mean?

Me: Oh, I was gonna explain, but I just thought you’d get how my mind works.

Not Me: My mind doesn’t work that way.

Me: Oh, OK.

Week Number Three at my new job, folks, and I’m still doing awesome.

To be honest though, I’m slipping slightly on the personal hygiene front… but all in all, I’m sure I deserve some kind of prestigious award.

Oh Unemployment…

How I ponder whether I used you to the fullest.

Tomorrow I start a new job.

I miss you already.

And this inspirational video by the incredible Shaun Clayton isn’t helping. Why do I feel this strong pull to The Church of the SubGenius?