My name is Ronnie D.

Oral Sex Is by the Mouths

Interviewer: Well Miss D, it looks like you have a pretty substantial academic background in linguistics as well as quite a few years editing experience.

Ronnie D: Yeah.

Interviewer: OK, well perhaps you could expand on that a little bit for me…

Ronnie D: Sure. Right after defending my thesis, I went to work for a website company that I’m pretty sure was a front for some sort of crime syndicate, but it was the only job I could find. They paid me $8 an hour, which was $4 less an hour than the editors without degrees in my department. I’d consistently get hollered at when grabbing a soda from the vending machine on the sales side and was consistently mocked in a “girl-voice” by the owner of the company whenever I asked a question. I had to edit like 50 articles an hour about various topics. The articles were written by our clients, and they would get paid $5 per article they turned in. It was my job to make the articles ready for online publication by polishing up the language and making sure the appropriate message was conveyed.

Interviewer: That sounds interesting. Would you happen to have an example of some of the work you did there?

Ronnie D: Why of course! I happen to have an example of a typical article that I had to edit right here in my professional portfolio:

Oral sex is one thing that all parents should do to their kids before they go out and have sex with someone. It doesn’t matter if you are straight or gay you should learn what sex will bring next.

There is always tongue and mouth along with licking each other all over to have sex with someone you love. If you are ready to be a parent sex will lead to pregnancy. Most people aren’t ready to have kids as they are kids themselves.

However most teens will do it just to improve themselves. They want to improve to their parents and friends. They will take someone and have sex with them and then go out to tell their friends.

You shouldn’t hide who you are in love with. If you love someone that is the same sex as you so you still can have sex with that person. You have the freedom to express your feelings. Lick the person you love all over them. Oral sex is something that anyone can do and be an adult to handle life that is ahead of them.

Oral sex is by the mouths. One thing is that you really shouldn’t be sexually involved with anyone when you have a friend that is with you. It is rude. Oral sex is something that you should do in a private room or in your house or anapartment of your choice. Live freely and do what you want.

Interviewer: Uhhhh, unfortunately, this isn’t really the type of experience we’re looking for here.

Ronnie D: Would it help if I told you the article was really supposed to be about tennis star Anna Kournikova, and I edited it appropriately?

Interviewer: No, not really.

Ronnie D: Hmmm, I didn’t think so…

Interviewer: Well, I can’t offer you a job, but would you like $5 to buy yourself a drink?

Ronnie D: Most definitely.

Interviewer: Thank you for your time, and best of luck to you.

Ronnie D: Could I maybe have just a few dollars more?

Interviewer: No, Miss D, I’m sorry.

Ronnie D: Oh, OK. Well thanks anyways. 

….

Interviewer: Miss D, you’re going to have to leave the building before I call security.

Ronnie D: I’m sorry. I totally thought I left already - I must have just zoned out or something… are you sure you guys don’t need anyone to clean your toilets or anything? That’s also on my resume.

Interviewer: Security!!

The Subway 6” Super Confident Combo

So I woke up feeling good today. Myself. Confident. I said, you know what, I deserve a treat - I’m buying myself a Subway 6” Veggie Combo for lunch.

I listened to Petty with the windows down and smiled at the oncoming, oppressive heat. I held my head high when I sauntered into the Subway on Central in the midst of the business lunch rush, clutching $5.47 in change to pay for my combo. Yeah, I’m covered with cat hair and obviously not working, but I don’t give a fuck.

When I opened the door, it was like Klymaxx’s Men All Pause. But it wasn’t just the men looking, the women were too. They could sense my self-assurance, my confidence that everything in my life was gonna turn out alright afterall.

My sandwich artist rushed me through the line a bit abruptly and awkwardly, and I forgot to get pickles. But that was OK, cause I knew it was gonna taste good no matter what. Today was a good day. And that meant my sandwich would be delicious.

At the register, I got a funny look from the cashier, but I knew she was just hatin on my sense of style, wishing she was rocking my denim cut-offs. I can wear them rolled up. I can wear them down. They’re versatile. I couldn’t really blame her…

I drove home feeling more alive than I have in awhile. I walked into the house, pretty content with my decision to go no-AC for as long as I can. Be a real desert dweller. Myself. And a beautiful human being.

Then I went to the bathroom. And when I looked down, I understood that the reactions I received at the Subway weren’t in response to me being an ultra-confident woman. It was because my fly was down. Really down. And open.

Oh well… confidence is overrated anyways.

But vodka isn’t.

Oh Unemployment…

How I ponder whether I used you to the fullest.

Tomorrow I start a new job.

I miss you already.

And this inspirational video by the incredible Shaun Clayton isn’t helping. Why do I feel this strong pull to The Church of the SubGenius?