My name is Ronnie D.

Phoenix, AZ - Local woman, 31, suffers heart attack while chasing cat around 400 square foot apartment.

Local authorities say it appears that the native Phoenician, known only as Ronnie D, was simply really, really, really out of shape.

D, after walking briskly yet lightly so as to not fall through the termite-damaged floor, suffered cardiac arrest after turning into the ‘hall area’ of her small home. It was at that time that she stopped to catch her breath and fell forward into a pile of old Easter baskets, raver beads, and incredibly filthy clothes.

“Yeah, well, looks like we have a woman just past the prime of her life living off bong rips and cheese,” commented a local man who apparently had no connection to the victim but was the first to arrive at the scene, even before emergency response vehicles. “I knew something was gonna happen someday the way she’d just stay motionless on that ‘couch’ of hers, getting up only to get more cheese. It was actually kinda sad to watch. But I still did.”

Diagnosis was also not so good for D when emergency personnel arrived at the scene. “There was no chance she was gonna make it,” Smith Smith said as he rummaged through the deceased’s countless piles. Smith is a member of the voluntary Tent City Medical Services Chain Gang, a part of the Republican legislative response to health care reform that not only provides health services to the uninsured, but simultaneously rehabilitates violent criminals. And it looks like it’s working.

Smith believes that providing lifesaving services to his local community is a great way to escape the sweltering summer heat in those infamous tents. “It feels good to help others. And the sheriff gives us all the water we can drink - even way out here! We truly are blessed.”

Who is not blessed, however, is the woman taken later than those who performed her autopsy can believe. “Her respiratory system was completely clogged with dust and cat hair,” explained Dr. Oz as he performed the exploratory procedure live on primetime TV.

“You could tell this woman didn’t have much to live for,” commented Joey Lawrence, Dr. Oz’s special surprise autopsy guest star assistant. “I mean, sure, I still wear flannels around my waist occasionally, but this woman… this woman was wearing only a flannel - backwards - like some sort of twisted lumberjack hospital gown when they found her. I mean, who does that?” Lawrence shook his head in disgust, “Not to mention all her major organs had actually turned to cheese. Whoa.”

It’s true, D’s organs had all turned to cheese. After passing her liver through the first row of the live audience, it was whipped into a low-cal, gluten-free dish by Dr. Oz’s special surprise autopsy chef, Gordon Ramsay. “She’s still got a number of organs left,” Ramsay slyly remarked, “Not that I’m saying anything in particular, but it looks like the upcoming fall season of Master Chef is going to be HOT.”

After the show aired, reporters attempted to contact D’s surviving relatives, but none are coming forward, leaving only her cats as heirs to her pile fortune. Astonishingly, while opening her ‘estate’ for the neighbors to loot, workers discovered that the felines communicated with an elaborate mixture of signs, a systematic series of meows (what can only be described as Morse Meow), and air guitar from extremely emotional 1980s power ballads.

“It’s a linguistic breakthrough,” exclaimed Sara-Ruan-Diebfrau, an out-of-work linguist who picked up a part-time position with the estate reclamation company. “It’s a tough market out there, and this discovery gives me an edge and focus for my dissertation. Not to mention an entirely new linguistics library! I can’t believe an out-of-work barista had so many books on the topic. She must have dated a linguist or something.”

Memorial and looting services for D will be held at her former residence until the city comes to remove the body, which is scheduled to occur sometime before the real football season starts.

Creepy Fan Mail

Dear Ronnie D,

It sucks to hear that you’re so depressed lately. You really shouldn’t be. A lot of times I lay awake at night and think how much I wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Like if you could only climb into my head and share my thoughts with me, you’d realize how wonderful you are. But unfortunately, you can’t do that. At least not right now. So in the meantime, I have made you this video. I hope that it makes you realize how truly beautiful you really are.

Forever Yours,

ronniedfanatic45

Maybe it’s the heat?

So I had another disturbing dream last night. But the only reason it was disturbing is because this person that I really really really don’t like for OH SO MANY reasons was in it. And this person’s hypocritic, pretentious, and hacky bullshit was intensified by like 200%.

Just thinking of this person makes me get all worked up and questionable about how other people can let such people be so manipulative and full of shit. And my dream was just an extreme version of this.

Then I woke up, with my hand around my cat’s throat. And I was like, “Fuck!! Was I so upset that I strangled my cat??”

But I didn’t.

So I guess to summarize, I need a Klonopin.

…and my cat may have a choking fetish.