My name is Ronnie D.

Sexy Halloween Costumes, for Ages 3 & Up!

On a recent depression daze at Target, where I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself up in their discounted goods and bury myself in convenience foods in the corner of the women’s clothing section and wait for sweet, sweet death, I happened upon some things that gave me the will to live…

SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LITTLE GIRLS!!

Hooray!!

Just think, your little girl cannot only wear a costume that is far too expensive for its cheap fabric and slave-labor craftsmanship, she can also exude sex appeal as she goes from stranger’s door to stranger’s door, begging for candy.

Does she love flowers and the outdoors? Then Miss Ladybug is probably the perfect choice for her. Just like the garden’s best friend, your little sex bug can be covered in polka dots and a skirt hem that appears to be approximately half an inch below her posterior on one side - give or take depending on her height. And don’t forget, she should probably practice her submissive, one leg up, both hands up, “you got me” posing too. Helps get a couple extra Zagnut bars.

Is your daughter not really into bugs or any theme in particular? Well, have no fear - Sweet Li’l Treat is here! What is this costume exactly? Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s definitely a sweet, little treat, reminiscent of leather and bondage, complete with choker and a mini witch’s hat. In order for this costume to really sing though, make sure your sweet li’l treat is undernourished and Hollywood skinny so her head appears disproportionately large for her not quite corseted, but close enough to it, body.

Now what little girl doesn’t love Hello Kitty? And what pervert wouldn’t love your little kitten appearing at their front door posed just like this? Why helloooohhh kiddy!

Are you getting frustrated that there aren’t any “strong female characters” for your daughter to portray this year? Especially as you see all the fully clothed, superhero costume offerings for little boys. Well why not get yourself a costume that provides her with the image of a super heroine? Perhaps a feminine twist on a hero from your own childhood, like this completely authentic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Leornardo costume. Even though you may not remember Leonardo wearing blue Pretty Woman boots and a skirt that barely covered his secret parts, you will remember that he did have a shell, and this costume includes a turtle shell backpack. How much more realistic and strong could a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Broad be??

Now have a safe and happy Halloween.

And don’t forget to return to gasping in horror about the hypersexuality of young girls on November 1st… as well as questioning how on earth your little darling could have possibly caught that nasty cold.

Deadliest Catch 90210

Last week while others were preparing for their Occupy Phoenix activities, I was at home watching an all-new episode of 90210 on the CW.

Why?

Well, first and foremost, those kids are like my best friends in the whole wide world. But coming in a close second is the fact that I think it’s important to analyze political and social rhetoric in all its forms, not just the ones easily labeled as such. And last week’s episode was so laden with what appeared to be conservative – especially tea party – brainwashing that I could hardly contain myself.

With general elections coming up in November and the Presidential election next year, it makes sense that the kids on 90210 were beginning to become politically active… well, the males at least. The females were contemplating naughty versus nice sex, competing with rival sorority leaders, becoming escorts to pay for their college tuition, or being dumbfounded and speechless in the face of passionate male activists. With so much on their plates already, it’s understandable that they really don’t have time to get involved with politics.

The main issue of last week’s show centered around Teddy and his relationship with his father. Now if you will recall, Teddy recently came out of the closet. He was Beverly Hills’ most formidable PLAAAY-YAH and a budding tennis star. He discovered he was actually gay while dating the token bipolar female (go figure) and she accepted him and led all their friends to accept him too.

While it’s definitely nice to see a show focus on the topic of homosexuality, I must transport us back a couple seasons to when it was first touched upon – with Adriana and a redhead in a “feminist” band known as the Gloria Steinheims. After a rough patch with alcohol and multi-colored/multi-shaped pill addiction, a baby given up for adoption, and a failed attempt to keep her heterosexual relationship alive with Navid – the brooding “ethnic” character whose family only stays rich by participating in illicit trades, such as underage pornography and chop-shopping – Adriana began to become attracted to the redheaded lesbian female.

One night while watching romantic movies together alone on her oversized bed, Adriana ended up kissing said redhead. Shortly thereafter during a coffee outing with her girl friends, Adriana shared the story and how happy and alive the redhead made her feel. She then, of course, asked if this made her gay.

The answer?

Don’t define it as gay or straight, just have fun and enjoy it!

And she did. For awhile… until the redhead cheated on her with another edgy feminist. This seemed to be devastating for Adriana, so she went to the coffee shop to write some songs to relieve her sadness, because in the interim, she’d become the lead singer of the Gloria Steinheims. This devastation lasted a couple hours until Navid walked into the coffee shop, and they talked and rekindled their heterosexual flame.

They never addressed lesbian relationships or Adriana’s sexuality again, and the redhead disappeared off the cast.

However, since homosexuality is “trending” right now, the writers knew it was important to bring the topic back – with a male/male relationship, of course. I mean, afterall, hot women should be hooking up with hot women all the time without any discussion about their sexuality; when there’s going to be a real (and I use that term loosely here as it is TV) exploration into homosexual relationships and identities, it MUST be done with males. It’s apparent in every media portrayal as well as every made-for-men “lesbian” porn.

Why?

The answer is simple. The Patriarchy.

But I’m getting sidetracked here – which is often hard not to do when living in the shadow of the white male majority – so let’s get back to Teddy and his newly admitted, more socially acceptable gay male identity…

The show opens up with Teddy and his former bipolar girlfriend sitting on the beach and talking. Teddy had left his father a couple phone messages letting him know that he was gay, but his father never responded. At a loss and having no male mentor to turn to, Teddy also came out to his uncle who, surprisingly, was completely cool and more than accepting of his lifestyle.

“You mean the ueber-conservative one?” the bipolar ex-girlfriend responded, somewhat in disbelief as well.

Yep, that exact one. And low and behold, what would you know, that homosexual-supporting-super-conservative-rich-white-uncle just happened to be running for office in the next election – against a liberal African-American woman.

Hmmmm….

Now while all this is brewing, we can’t overlook another major plotline that is simultaneously occurring: a complicated relationship between Liam, the badass, and a sweet soon-to-have-a-baby widow from Alaska.

You see, Liam left last summer – the summer after senior year of high school – to become a crew member on a commercial fishing boat. He came back all secretive and haunted, and it took the audience awhile to realize why. Turns out, Liam missed a shift on the boat one day, somehow, and his newfound Alaskan commercial fisherman best friend was on the boat in his place. And he never returned. He was dead, and it was Liam’s fault because it should have been him on the boat instead. This just completely tore him up inside, so much so that he got wasted one night and used his entire summer’s fishing paycheck to purchase the bar where he was drinking.

What also tore him up is that he had fallen in love with his new best friend’s widow in the aftermath, and now she was in Beverly Hills looking for him because she’d fallen in love with him too. Turns out, however, that the other guy never really died, and he ends up in Beverly Hills too, stalking and watching from afar as Liam and his wife fall in love. When he returns, he seems to resemble most fictional media portrayals of a veteran returning from war by means of his dress, hair, and actions. Afterall, being on a commercial fishing boat is pretty much like going to war.

He watches them for awhile, and eventually, he’s discovered, and there’s a confrontation. He yells at Liam for stealing his wife. They get into a physical altercation and as the pretty young Alaskan woman that they are fighting over attempts to break them up, she gets knocked across the room, hitting her head hard against the wall and basically passes out. It’s not really domestic violence though because she got in the way, and it was Liam’s fault anyways, not the fisherman marine’s. So they take her to the emergency room.

The thought-to-be-dead husband comes out to meet Liam in the waiting room with the great news that it’s only a minor concussion. Thank god. This now allows the males to bond and rekindle their brotherhood as she recovers from her head injury, alone in a hospital bed.

The husband apologizes as he realizes that Liam stepped up to take care of his wife in his absence, and he can’t fault him for that. The scene continues on to be reminiscent of other media portrayals of the seemingly dead war hero who returns home to find his woman is now with his best friend. These feelings of battlefield fraternity are being evoked without having to address actual battle or any of the countless wars in process although it is the “political” episode. Beyond that, it perpetuates that wonderful patriarchal message:

Don’t fight brothers! She’s only a woman. She only has a minor concussion because of our violent actions. Let’s not forget about fraternity! Semper Fi!! Bros before hoes, man!!!

Now back to the political playing field where a big debate is happening that night. Teddy is still being supported by his conservative uncle, and the bipolar female, who is attempting to make a career in film, has met a passionate male political activist who also happens to be gay. He works for the liberal candidate, and he is beyond fervent. So fervent in fact that she can’t even keep up with what he’s saying. You can see extreme confusion mixed with sexual attraction in her eyes as he finally takes a moment to realize he’s “talking too fast” for this poor, uninformed female. So she decides it’s probably best to just start filming.

At the same time, Teddy has accompanied his uncle to the debate although Teddy is worried that his sexuality will harm his uncle’s campaign, especially since many people think that most of his conservative supporters don’t support homosexuals. Nonsense, the angelic uncle replies and tells Teddy not to worry because “times change, and people change. It’s time we change too.” They share a genuine smile, and the uncle takes the podium to respond to the liberal candidate’s very empty speech, calmly stating that he does not agree with her, but he will support her right to have her own beliefs. Then he graciously turns the attention to his gay nephew and announces, “that’s why I’m proud to stand here with my family.”

Awww… If only we could all have such a progressive and supportive politician who is focused on family values in our lives. And maybe we could, if we’d get out and cast our vote for one that appears to be similar.

After the speeches, Teddy is speaking with the liberal gay activist about his father’s refusal to speak with him. The liberal tells him that he will get over it and contact him soon and not to worry about it. Furthermore, he goes on to tell Teddy that his uncle is only using him as a political strategy. Teddy scoffs at this idea, reminding the liberal that his conservative uncle was there when the entire world turned his back on him, including his own father – something that happens for many homosexuals when they come out, stressing that it’d be nice to feel like someone out there actually loved him.

Teddy goes on to yell at the liberal homosexual, telling him “you want me to stand for stuff I’ve never even thought about… 93% of the time, I agree with my uncle.” He then, very vehemently tells the liberal that because of that, he will support his conservative uncle no matter what, “even if it means going against people like you.” Teddy has finally found support and love, and he will no longer stand in solidarity with other homosexuals and their liberal agenda just because they share the same sexuality.

Of course, as there always is in politics, there’s going to be an amazing after-party where Dickson, the adopted African-American son who is abusing amphetamines in order to find inspiration to make hip-hop music, will be dj-ing. Adriana, who has fallen from graces with the public, as well as with her rich friends, after releasing a stolen pop song as her own, doesn’t feel as if she’s invited. When she shyly tells Dickson this, feeling as if she won’t be welcome at the party due to her shady past, he assures her that “everyone is invited to this party - republicans, democrats, communists, everybody!”

Sounds like a really down-to-earth and accepting party. A party that wants all Americans to be represented… a tea party, perhaps?

So yeah, as I mentioned before, it’s good to know your enemy, in all forms.

Perhaps I’m just a vulgar, godless liberal who is reading too much into what I’ve seen and heard. Perhaps it’s not strictly a tea party agenda, just a conservative one. Perhaps I’m thinking too much, which is something we know both ideologies really don’t like. But hey, at least I’m thinking and not robotically swallowing their message, and I’m willing to give 90210 another chance tonight. Hell, maybe they’ll surprise me. Maybe Teddy’s uncle is just using him for his campaign, and the show has a liberal message instead… but there’s something deep down inside me that tells me that’s just not so.

The commercials also lead me in that direction as well. Like the commercial that stars an African-American single father with his two African-American sons who are having lunch in a McDonald’s type establishment. The kids do something silly with their “money” and it immediately flashes to, “need to teach your kids how to be more financially responsible?” Then a financial company posts its namesake and directs the viewer to use its services so as to help the nation pull itself out of this depression caused by fast-food-eating-minority-single-parents. Of course, it doesn’t star Bernie Madoff and Lucifer sharing a roasted kitten in a cavernous gold-plated banquet hall. That, of course, would just be liberally-spun hyperbole, rather than subtle finger-pointing and a perpetuation of national stereotypes created by those in power.

My favorite commercial of the night, however, had to be for the newest hit movie, Footloose:

In three days… a movie… that was already done before… and doesn’t star Kevin Bacon.

It’s like the tea party is saying, hey, don’t worry, when we’re in office, one day you’ll also have the chance – if you work real hard – to win your right to dance back. HAVE NO FEAR AMERICA!!!

No, actually… have an IMMENSE amount of fear America.

Please.

I knew I was gonna accidentally lock myself out of my own house eventually…

But I didn’t think it was gonna be today.

I’ve been up since 1:30am nursing serious pain and swelling in my jaw from a botched root canal that was performed when I was 12. A root canal that wasn’t completed fully, so the infection remained below the crown. I had pain off and on, and when I was 17, it got to be unbearable again. So I went back to the dentist, another root canal or something was performed, and my whole face ended up bruised.

When I was 21, I was living in Germany and, low and behold, guess what starts flaring up again? Yep. But this time, my wisdom teeth were causing problems too, so I ended up having to have surgery. In another country. In another language. All by myself.

According to the consultation, they were going to anesthetize me, remove my wisdom teeth, and then bore a hole into the side of my jaw in order to scrape the spreading infection from the bone. I was not only excited because as a German university student, all my services were totally covered, but also because I wanted to finally be free of the pain and be able to fully chew on my right side for the first time in almost a decade. I imagined it would solve all the problems.

Now whether that procedure was actually performed or it just didn’t work, I cannot say. All I remember is the two male doctors putting the needle in my hand and telling me to count backwards slowly from some number. I drifted off to them debating which women were hotter - East German or West German.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room and 2 Pac’s “California Love” was playing softly in the background. (Seriously. The Germans love Pac.) I was groggy and in a substantial amount of pain, and I honestly cannot remember another time my German was so on-point as I requested some pain medication. Once I could stand, I was off to take a cab back to my dorm to recover with my high-strength ibuprofen and some Joghurt.

Of course, seeing me in my disoriented, still somewhat anesthetized state with my bloody hand (because for some reason I wasn’t clotting too well at the needle entry point and kept soaking the gauze), the cab driver decided it was in his best interest to take me on the longest, windiest route back up the hill to pad his pockets a bit more. I knew what he was doing, but I was too groggy to really debate it, so I just waited to get out of the car and into my bed…

Flash forward to like 2003 or 2004, and the tooth is flaring up again. Imagine that. Now I’m pretty lucky cause I have a super sweet post-college, minimum wage employment gig at Starbucks, so I have some benefits but not a lot of money. I get the chance to go into the dentist and get a cleaning and a check-up. Lucky for me, the dentist’s wife also studied linguistics, and they were having problems, so he took a bit of a liking to me. He went ahead and provided the cleaning and check-up at no charge, which was super sweet, though I did feel a bit off about it. But hey, I had to hear the most disgusting sexual comments while making overpriced coffee-flavored drinks every day, so I figured I could feel okay about getting my teeth cleaned. Afterall, you rarely see that kind of generosity anymore, especially in the health care industry. Unfortunately, I had to go to a specialist to get the tooth fixed, so no more freebies.

After a little bit of scheduling annoyance, I make it in. The dentist is a woman this time, and she tells me she’s going to need to pop the crown off, clean out the infection, do another root canal, and then put the crown back on. This is the only option she presents to me - and boy is it pricey - not to mention it’s another god damn root canal, and it seems as if that hasn’t been working. But I go ahead and get the root canal anyways because I trust that she knows best. Afterall, she’s a medical professional.

Well, about halfway through, she tells me that if this one “didn’t take,” I could come back, and they would just pull the tooth. Uhhhh… why was this option not presented to me before? It’s obvious the simple answer is she did the root canal because it cost more money. And if it “didn’t take,” I could come back again and pay some more money. Meanwhile, it’s already been over a decade since I have been having problems - which she is aware of - and there’s not much tooth left to save anyways. Getting rid of it altogether seems like it would have been the most efficient, not to mention cost-effective, way to treat me medically. But oh no - patient health and healing is never really part of the medical equation, and we’re all still supposed to care about health insurance and its inability to control ridiculous health care costs and shady treatment processes that don’t really have the patient’s recovery as the focal point.

But I digress…

Well what do you know, not too long after that expensive and painful root canal, I had swelling and pain again. Unfortunately, in the meantime I had also lost my mind, which meant I had also lost my job, which meant I had also lost my health insurance and money. So there was no way to fix it.

Since I’ve been living with the pain for so long, it’s something I can kind of deal with. I make do with home remedies and crying. I try not to ever chew on that side - which is problematic as the main molar on the opposite side is basically just a filling as the majority of the tooth around it has chipped away by my careless diet of tough-to-chew foods such as ramen and olives. I ride the tide of swelling and less swelling. And I feel disgusting every day.

They say, however, infections such as this that go untreated can move into the lungs and brain and are most often fatal. I constantly have sinus infections, one that moved into my lungs a couple years ago actually. And my brain… well, we all know where that stands. And honestly, I’d really rather not die cause I can’t go to the fucking doctor. Perhaps I’m blowing all of this out of proportion, but I also found myself unconscious on the floor of the Lightrail earlier this summer, and the first thing I had to do upon awakening was quickly stumble away from the stop because I couldn’t afford the ambulance and medical care that was coming. I’m just so tired of being sick with no real means to get better.

To top it off, I have also been struggling with taking in food and keeping weight on as well. In fact, since I was about 95 pounds at the time I passed out on the train, I made it a mission to focus on eating and putting on weight over the last month. So finally, about two weeks ago, I started being irresponsible with the small amount of money I had left and began putting it toward nourishment. And it worked! I got above 100 pounds, and I was feeling a bit healthier. Or at least not like I was going to faint every five minutes.

But with eating, comes chewing. And with chewing, comes serious jaw pain and swelling. How could I have forgotten?? So beyond being in pain and feeling hopeless, I needed to kick myself for being so stupid and irresponsible by thinking I could just eat meals and chew like a normal person.

So all things considered, when I woke up this morning in ridiculous pain, I said forget this, I’m gonna try and apply for AHCSS again since I really need some help. Now, I’ve applied for AHCSS a couple times before when I was making $8 an hour. I was denied because I was making “too much money” - just like I was denied a student loan deferment at the same time for the same reasons. I figured that having no money, no job, no spouse, no roommate, and no real hope would help me have a bit of an edge this time. So I rolled myself some crushed cloves in a tea bag, placed it on the swollen gum area for relief, and went to work on my application.

The initial screening process deemed me “ineligible” for medical coverage, but it said I might be eligible for some “nutrition assistance” which would definitely help me not accidentally starve myself to death, but it sure isn’t gonna help me go to the doctor to fix me. And really, after 20 years of doctors just milking the insurance claims instead of actually fixing the problem, it doesn’t seem like having health insurance is the solution anyways. However, it’d still be nice to know I could go somewhere other than the CVS Minute Clinic with my recent health concerns. But oh well, I guess I just haven’t been a good enough American to be saved…

With this realization, I got my act together and told myself to stop being a little baby. I still have a stack of resumes to send out. I still have to sell all my stuff to try and raise enough money to cover the rent in a couple days. All I really wanted to do though was lay down and make the pain stop, but it just wasn’t an option. It never is.

Luckily, the cloves were starting to kick in, and the swelling and pain was going down. Hooray! I started thinking maybe I could beat this by myself afterall. I started feeling a bit more energetic, so I decided to step out on to the porch and water the potted cacti that have been neglected all summer. When I was out there, I noticed that the mail carrier still hadn’t taken back the “return to sender” mail I had left. This has been a problem for years, at multiple residences. Apparently, stealing mail is a federal offense, but ensuring that the correct mail gets to the correct address is not part of the employees’ federal job description. I’ve taken piles into the post office and explained; the piles have just come back. I’ve been told how to mark the envelope when I place it back in a blue box, so it won’t come back, and the files will be updated; it hasn’t worked. I’ve put my name on the box, and yet and still, I am getting mail for 3-4 different people. And to top it off, I am just tired of using my gas and energy to think I’m solving the problem, only to find it back at my door. And this time, I keep getting someone’s jury duty summons - something they really need.

I figured I’d give it one more chance. I grabbed a red marker, marked the mail, and started outside to clip it to the mailbox at my door with yet another “return to sender” note. Of course, I’m on freaking auto-pilot though because I have to keep my current residence locked up like a fortress due to an ex-boyfriend stalker, a new creepy neighbor stalker, and at least three attempted break-ins since spring. So naturally, I automatically lock the bottom of the screen door as I step out on to the porch. In my pajamas. And no bra. To top it off, I’ve left a candle burning oil essence in the house to help with the pain, and the main door didn’t shut, so the air is running out of the house and the above-average temperatures are running into the house, running up the APS bill which was already over 200 bucks all summer to keep the house at a refreshing 85.

Fuck.

Seriously?

Today??

Well luckily the neighbors were outside to watch me frantically pull at the door, then sit down on the concrete and cry for a minute. They found this funny and laughed. Then they went inside. I felt like shit. My head was pounding. My jaw was killing me. There was no shade. I just wanted to be resting. I just wanted someone to come and help me, but I knew that wasn’t gonna happen. So I began scouring the ground for things I could use to pick the lock. And pick it I did.

Thank god I grew up on the Westside.

And thank god I love soup.