My name is Ronnie D.

Sexy Halloween Costumes, for Ages 3 & Up!

On a recent depression daze at Target, where I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself up in their discounted goods and bury myself in convenience foods in the corner of the women’s clothing section and wait for sweet, sweet death, I happened upon some things that gave me the will to live…

SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LITTLE GIRLS!!

Hooray!!

Just think, your little girl cannot only wear a costume that is far too expensive for its cheap fabric and slave-labor craftsmanship, she can also exude sex appeal as she goes from stranger’s door to stranger’s door, begging for candy.

Does she love flowers and the outdoors? Then Miss Ladybug is probably the perfect choice for her. Just like the garden’s best friend, your little sex bug can be covered in polka dots and a skirt hem that appears to be approximately half an inch below her posterior on one side - give or take depending on her height. And don’t forget, she should probably practice her submissive, one leg up, both hands up, “you got me” posing too. Helps get a couple extra Zagnut bars.

Is your daughter not really into bugs or any theme in particular? Well, have no fear - Sweet Li’l Treat is here! What is this costume exactly? Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s definitely a sweet, little treat, reminiscent of leather and bondage, complete with choker and a mini witch’s hat. In order for this costume to really sing though, make sure your sweet li’l treat is undernourished and Hollywood skinny so her head appears disproportionately large for her not quite corseted, but close enough to it, body.

Now what little girl doesn’t love Hello Kitty? And what pervert wouldn’t love your little kitten appearing at their front door posed just like this? Why helloooohhh kiddy!

Are you getting frustrated that there aren’t any “strong female characters” for your daughter to portray this year? Especially as you see all the fully clothed, superhero costume offerings for little boys. Well why not get yourself a costume that provides her with the image of a super heroine? Perhaps a feminine twist on a hero from your own childhood, like this completely authentic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Leornardo costume. Even though you may not remember Leonardo wearing blue Pretty Woman boots and a skirt that barely covered his secret parts, you will remember that he did have a shell, and this costume includes a turtle shell backpack. How much more realistic and strong could a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Broad be??

Now have a safe and happy Halloween.

And don’t forget to return to gasping in horror about the hypersexuality of young girls on November 1st… as well as questioning how on earth your little darling could have possibly caught that nasty cold.

Deadliest Catch 90210

Last week while others were preparing for their Occupy Phoenix activities, I was at home watching an all-new episode of 90210 on the CW.

Why?

Well, first and foremost, those kids are like my best friends in the whole wide world. But coming in a close second is the fact that I think it’s important to analyze political and social rhetoric in all its forms, not just the ones easily labeled as such. And last week’s episode was so laden with what appeared to be conservative – especially tea party – brainwashing that I could hardly contain myself.

With general elections coming up in November and the Presidential election next year, it makes sense that the kids on 90210 were beginning to become politically active… well, the males at least. The females were contemplating naughty versus nice sex, competing with rival sorority leaders, becoming escorts to pay for their college tuition, or being dumbfounded and speechless in the face of passionate male activists. With so much on their plates already, it’s understandable that they really don’t have time to get involved with politics.

The main issue of last week’s show centered around Teddy and his relationship with his father. Now if you will recall, Teddy recently came out of the closet. He was Beverly Hills’ most formidable PLAAAY-YAH and a budding tennis star. He discovered he was actually gay while dating the token bipolar female (go figure) and she accepted him and led all their friends to accept him too.

While it’s definitely nice to see a show focus on the topic of homosexuality, I must transport us back a couple seasons to when it was first touched upon – with Adriana and a redhead in a “feminist” band known as the Gloria Steinheims. After a rough patch with alcohol and multi-colored/multi-shaped pill addiction, a baby given up for adoption, and a failed attempt to keep her heterosexual relationship alive with Navid – the brooding “ethnic” character whose family only stays rich by participating in illicit trades, such as underage pornography and chop-shopping – Adriana began to become attracted to the redheaded lesbian female.

One night while watching romantic movies together alone on her oversized bed, Adriana ended up kissing said redhead. Shortly thereafter during a coffee outing with her girl friends, Adriana shared the story and how happy and alive the redhead made her feel. She then, of course, asked if this made her gay.

The answer?

Don’t define it as gay or straight, just have fun and enjoy it!

And she did. For awhile… until the redhead cheated on her with another edgy feminist. This seemed to be devastating for Adriana, so she went to the coffee shop to write some songs to relieve her sadness, because in the interim, she’d become the lead singer of the Gloria Steinheims. This devastation lasted a couple hours until Navid walked into the coffee shop, and they talked and rekindled their heterosexual flame.

They never addressed lesbian relationships or Adriana’s sexuality again, and the redhead disappeared off the cast.

However, since homosexuality is “trending” right now, the writers knew it was important to bring the topic back – with a male/male relationship, of course. I mean, afterall, hot women should be hooking up with hot women all the time without any discussion about their sexuality; when there’s going to be a real (and I use that term loosely here as it is TV) exploration into homosexual relationships and identities, it MUST be done with males. It’s apparent in every media portrayal as well as every made-for-men “lesbian” porn.

Why?

The answer is simple. The Patriarchy.

But I’m getting sidetracked here – which is often hard not to do when living in the shadow of the white male majority – so let’s get back to Teddy and his newly admitted, more socially acceptable gay male identity…

The show opens up with Teddy and his former bipolar girlfriend sitting on the beach and talking. Teddy had left his father a couple phone messages letting him know that he was gay, but his father never responded. At a loss and having no male mentor to turn to, Teddy also came out to his uncle who, surprisingly, was completely cool and more than accepting of his lifestyle.

“You mean the ueber-conservative one?” the bipolar ex-girlfriend responded, somewhat in disbelief as well.

Yep, that exact one. And low and behold, what would you know, that homosexual-supporting-super-conservative-rich-white-uncle just happened to be running for office in the next election – against a liberal African-American woman.

Hmmmm….

Now while all this is brewing, we can’t overlook another major plotline that is simultaneously occurring: a complicated relationship between Liam, the badass, and a sweet soon-to-have-a-baby widow from Alaska.

You see, Liam left last summer – the summer after senior year of high school – to become a crew member on a commercial fishing boat. He came back all secretive and haunted, and it took the audience awhile to realize why. Turns out, Liam missed a shift on the boat one day, somehow, and his newfound Alaskan commercial fisherman best friend was on the boat in his place. And he never returned. He was dead, and it was Liam’s fault because it should have been him on the boat instead. This just completely tore him up inside, so much so that he got wasted one night and used his entire summer’s fishing paycheck to purchase the bar where he was drinking.

What also tore him up is that he had fallen in love with his new best friend’s widow in the aftermath, and now she was in Beverly Hills looking for him because she’d fallen in love with him too. Turns out, however, that the other guy never really died, and he ends up in Beverly Hills too, stalking and watching from afar as Liam and his wife fall in love. When he returns, he seems to resemble most fictional media portrayals of a veteran returning from war by means of his dress, hair, and actions. Afterall, being on a commercial fishing boat is pretty much like going to war.

He watches them for awhile, and eventually, he’s discovered, and there’s a confrontation. He yells at Liam for stealing his wife. They get into a physical altercation and as the pretty young Alaskan woman that they are fighting over attempts to break them up, she gets knocked across the room, hitting her head hard against the wall and basically passes out. It’s not really domestic violence though because she got in the way, and it was Liam’s fault anyways, not the fisherman marine’s. So they take her to the emergency room.

The thought-to-be-dead husband comes out to meet Liam in the waiting room with the great news that it’s only a minor concussion. Thank god. This now allows the males to bond and rekindle their brotherhood as she recovers from her head injury, alone in a hospital bed.

The husband apologizes as he realizes that Liam stepped up to take care of his wife in his absence, and he can’t fault him for that. The scene continues on to be reminiscent of other media portrayals of the seemingly dead war hero who returns home to find his woman is now with his best friend. These feelings of battlefield fraternity are being evoked without having to address actual battle or any of the countless wars in process although it is the “political” episode. Beyond that, it perpetuates that wonderful patriarchal message:

Don’t fight brothers! She’s only a woman. She only has a minor concussion because of our violent actions. Let’s not forget about fraternity! Semper Fi!! Bros before hoes, man!!!

Now back to the political playing field where a big debate is happening that night. Teddy is still being supported by his conservative uncle, and the bipolar female, who is attempting to make a career in film, has met a passionate male political activist who also happens to be gay. He works for the liberal candidate, and he is beyond fervent. So fervent in fact that she can’t even keep up with what he’s saying. You can see extreme confusion mixed with sexual attraction in her eyes as he finally takes a moment to realize he’s “talking too fast” for this poor, uninformed female. So she decides it’s probably best to just start filming.

At the same time, Teddy has accompanied his uncle to the debate although Teddy is worried that his sexuality will harm his uncle’s campaign, especially since many people think that most of his conservative supporters don’t support homosexuals. Nonsense, the angelic uncle replies and tells Teddy not to worry because “times change, and people change. It’s time we change too.” They share a genuine smile, and the uncle takes the podium to respond to the liberal candidate’s very empty speech, calmly stating that he does not agree with her, but he will support her right to have her own beliefs. Then he graciously turns the attention to his gay nephew and announces, “that’s why I’m proud to stand here with my family.”

Awww… If only we could all have such a progressive and supportive politician who is focused on family values in our lives. And maybe we could, if we’d get out and cast our vote for one that appears to be similar.

After the speeches, Teddy is speaking with the liberal gay activist about his father’s refusal to speak with him. The liberal tells him that he will get over it and contact him soon and not to worry about it. Furthermore, he goes on to tell Teddy that his uncle is only using him as a political strategy. Teddy scoffs at this idea, reminding the liberal that his conservative uncle was there when the entire world turned his back on him, including his own father – something that happens for many homosexuals when they come out, stressing that it’d be nice to feel like someone out there actually loved him.

Teddy goes on to yell at the liberal homosexual, telling him “you want me to stand for stuff I’ve never even thought about… 93% of the time, I agree with my uncle.” He then, very vehemently tells the liberal that because of that, he will support his conservative uncle no matter what, “even if it means going against people like you.” Teddy has finally found support and love, and he will no longer stand in solidarity with other homosexuals and their liberal agenda just because they share the same sexuality.

Of course, as there always is in politics, there’s going to be an amazing after-party where Dickson, the adopted African-American son who is abusing amphetamines in order to find inspiration to make hip-hop music, will be dj-ing. Adriana, who has fallen from graces with the public, as well as with her rich friends, after releasing a stolen pop song as her own, doesn’t feel as if she’s invited. When she shyly tells Dickson this, feeling as if she won’t be welcome at the party due to her shady past, he assures her that “everyone is invited to this party - republicans, democrats, communists, everybody!”

Sounds like a really down-to-earth and accepting party. A party that wants all Americans to be represented… a tea party, perhaps?

So yeah, as I mentioned before, it’s good to know your enemy, in all forms.

Perhaps I’m just a vulgar, godless liberal who is reading too much into what I’ve seen and heard. Perhaps it’s not strictly a tea party agenda, just a conservative one. Perhaps I’m thinking too much, which is something we know both ideologies really don’t like. But hey, at least I’m thinking and not robotically swallowing their message, and I’m willing to give 90210 another chance tonight. Hell, maybe they’ll surprise me. Maybe Teddy’s uncle is just using him for his campaign, and the show has a liberal message instead… but there’s something deep down inside me that tells me that’s just not so.

The commercials also lead me in that direction as well. Like the commercial that stars an African-American single father with his two African-American sons who are having lunch in a McDonald’s type establishment. The kids do something silly with their “money” and it immediately flashes to, “need to teach your kids how to be more financially responsible?” Then a financial company posts its namesake and directs the viewer to use its services so as to help the nation pull itself out of this depression caused by fast-food-eating-minority-single-parents. Of course, it doesn’t star Bernie Madoff and Lucifer sharing a roasted kitten in a cavernous gold-plated banquet hall. That, of course, would just be liberally-spun hyperbole, rather than subtle finger-pointing and a perpetuation of national stereotypes created by those in power.

My favorite commercial of the night, however, had to be for the newest hit movie, Footloose:

In three days… a movie… that was already done before… and doesn’t star Kevin Bacon.

It’s like the tea party is saying, hey, don’t worry, when we’re in office, one day you’ll also have the chance – if you work real hard – to win your right to dance back. HAVE NO FEAR AMERICA!!!

No, actually… have an IMMENSE amount of fear America.

Please.

This Just In!!

The perfect salary for happiness is $75,000.

This is according to Dr. Oz on the Joy Behar Show. There was a whole vibe of wow-that-is-all-it-takes-to-be-happy going on. Hmmm…

Dr. Oz also talked about how the female G-spot is just the prostate moving forward and up to another position. Like evolving. As if my junk evolved from dude junk that came first… 

…and with that, I open my second beer of the evening.

Happy Monday.

I got some sexy new panties for tomorrow’s show…

If Kelly Ripa may never take these off, I’m wearing three!!

Heads will be turning in that sketchy alley behind the Hidden House when Mama D. premieres her new Booty Pop physique.

With a FREE show, a solid lineup, cheap meat, annnnd drinks - why would you stay home?

Yours Truly, Michelle Biloon, Bryan Ricci, Ashley Pirouznia, Don Steinmetz, Greg Tidrow, Reggie Walker, Steve Maxwell, Kirk Buckhout, Teddy Bearskovich, and Steve Marek

Show starts at 8:30pm. See you there. POP!