My name is Ronnie D.

There is no Ronnie, only Zuul.

Overheard

The guy in the booth next to me at the suburban cafe where I have to whore myself out for internet is talking to his female friend. She is telling him how much she loves bacon. Like really good bacon.

She is also telling him how he “wants the hottest girl in the world” - to which he replied, “I don’t want the hottest girl, I just want a really hot girl.”

I get two - ok, maybe three - things from this: 1) she wants him 2) they probably actually do it on a semi-regular basis and 3) her talk about bacon is really her hitting on him as all men love bacon and a woman who also loves bacon. Like really good bacon…

I’m also considering going over there and laying myself across his table in my chucks and my cat hair covered shirt and seductively telling him that his wish has come true.

Fear Is When End Of The World Might Come

In honor of the spooky season, I have found yet another wonderful article that I had to edit at one of my former jobs. 

Although I’m pretty positive that this particular article killed at least 27% of my brain cells, I have to be appreciative of the fact that the writer - who was paid $5 for this content, by the way - was responsible enough to cite their references at the end, making the fact checking part of the process a total breeze.

It arrived on my desk exactly as it’s presented here (capitalization, spacing, spelling, psychosis, etc.), so as you can see, it still haunts me to this very day; may it also haunt you as your head out for your Halloween weekend festivities.

But be careful - you may want to read it with all the lights on, or you may be too frightened to ever leave your desk again…

Fear Is One Of Peoples Things You Have. It Comes From Ghost From Homes. Business, Moves, Different Place’s Were Spirits Make You Fear Of Them. Spirits Makes Noise To Let You Know That They Are There. Spirits Tell You Get Out. They Don’t Want You There. They Make You Be Fearful Of Them. There Some? That Wants You To Know That They Want Help. But Fear Is So Many Ways Of Looking At It. When Person Comes Up And Puts Things In Your Mind.  That Is Fear That Sets In Your Mind. The Fear Of Going Into  House That Could Be Hunted.  Spirit That Puts Fear Into Your Mind. Fear Scares You. Being Fearful Of Being In Acting Play. Fear Of   Losing Things. Fear Of Hurting Your Self. Fear Of The Unknown. Fear Of What To Know About. Fear Of Doing Something That You Don’t Want To Do. Fear Of Doing Something That Will Fall Flat On You. Fear Of Just Being Fear Of Anything. Fear Of Being Target Of Some One That Don’t Like      You.   Fear Of Being Around People That Don’t Like You. Fear Of Dieing.    Fear Of Getting In Trouble For What Every You Did. Fear Of Making Few Steps Ahead. Fear Of Meeting People. Fear Of Being Tested For Different       Things. People Fears Of All Things In Life. People Fears Of War.  Fear Of Everything All Around Us. Fear Is All What You Make Of It In Life. Fear Is When End Of The World Might Come.

References: fear

Sexy Halloween Costumes, for Ages 3 & Up!

On a recent depression daze at Target, where I wanted nothing more than to wrap myself up in their discounted goods and bury myself in convenience foods in the corner of the women’s clothing section and wait for sweet, sweet death, I happened upon some things that gave me the will to live…

SEXY HALLOWEEN COSTUMES FOR LITTLE GIRLS!!

Hooray!!

Just think, your little girl cannot only wear a costume that is far too expensive for its cheap fabric and slave-labor craftsmanship, she can also exude sex appeal as she goes from stranger’s door to stranger’s door, begging for candy.

Does she love flowers and the outdoors? Then Miss Ladybug is probably the perfect choice for her. Just like the garden’s best friend, your little sex bug can be covered in polka dots and a skirt hem that appears to be approximately half an inch below her posterior on one side - give or take depending on her height. And don’t forget, she should probably practice her submissive, one leg up, both hands up, “you got me” posing too. Helps get a couple extra Zagnut bars.

Is your daughter not really into bugs or any theme in particular? Well, have no fear - Sweet Li’l Treat is here! What is this costume exactly? Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s definitely a sweet, little treat, reminiscent of leather and bondage, complete with choker and a mini witch’s hat. In order for this costume to really sing though, make sure your sweet li’l treat is undernourished and Hollywood skinny so her head appears disproportionately large for her not quite corseted, but close enough to it, body.

Now what little girl doesn’t love Hello Kitty? And what pervert wouldn’t love your little kitten appearing at their front door posed just like this? Why helloooohhh kiddy!

Are you getting frustrated that there aren’t any “strong female characters” for your daughter to portray this year? Especially as you see all the fully clothed, superhero costume offerings for little boys. Well why not get yourself a costume that provides her with the image of a super heroine? Perhaps a feminine twist on a hero from your own childhood, like this completely authentic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Leornardo costume. Even though you may not remember Leonardo wearing blue Pretty Woman boots and a skirt that barely covered his secret parts, you will remember that he did have a shell, and this costume includes a turtle shell backpack. How much more realistic and strong could a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Broad be??

Now have a safe and happy Halloween.

And don’t forget to return to gasping in horror about the hypersexuality of young girls on November 1st… as well as questioning how on earth your little darling could have possibly caught that nasty cold.